The answer/punchline is EVERYTHING!
Now before I launch into my diatribe about how today's music sucks, let me admit that I had some reservations about typing this blog. Mostly because I've recently become an Amazon affiliate and I was concerned about links to the very things I'm going to destroy popping up in the body of this blog. How hypocritical would that look? "I think this stuff sucks! Click this link if you want to buy it from Amazon." Granted, it would be kind of funny, but my point (that is, if I have one) would be eradicated. But the way the program works, I don't expect any of those ads to pop up in the text. The sidebar ads, maybe. I don't have a whole lot of control over those. OK, lame disclaimer over.
First and foremost, I firmly believe that popular music peaked in the late 90's. Alternative rock was clearly the dominant genre and many long hours of my youth were spent listening to Y-100, a radio station that touted itself as Philadelphia's home for alternative rock. Smashing Pumpkins, Green Day, Weezer, Barenaked Ladies; this is just a very small sampling of the bands I listened to in my formative years that made me the man I am today. And they were top of the musical heap as far as I was concerned.
Then, something happened. The landscape began to change. Teen girl pop-stars and boy band quintets sprang up on the scene. All of a sudden, Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys and other acts of this ilk were the "next big thing". Mainstream media gave them all the coverage. Their songs were inescapable no matter where you went. There was no escaping this sudden deluge of "pop music". I was not pleased. Not at all.
Time passed and my disdain for "pop music" only grew. In fact, it's recently come to a fever pitch as I have been bombarded by "the hits of today" while I'm at work almost every day. While the store I work at does have it's own in-house music playing, some of which is rather good in my opinion, occasionally my co-workers turn the radio on in the back of the pharmacy and without fail it's set to one station. I hesitate to call it a Top 40 station, it seems more like a Top 8 station since they seem to play the same handful of songs multiple times a day. I don't know about you, but hearing "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train four times in the span of a 6-8 hour day makes me want to hurt somebody. And I like Train.
So being exposed to these songs for such periods of time, it's hardly surprising that I begin to find problems with them. I mean, let's be honest. If you hear someone delivering a speech 20 times in a row, you'll pick up on something you find grating about their voice or their delivery. Same thing with these, for lack of a better term, songs. Before I go on, I'd like to note that many of these songs I'm going to discuss, I had no idea who sang them or what they are even called since most of the DJs on this station do very little other than relay the same segments of listener banter every couple of hours and give a brief lead-in to a song that may be part of a four-song block not saying anything about any of the other songs. Not that this fact matters much to me because, as I've stated already, I think this stuff sucks so why would I care about what it's called and who sings it? Thankfully, Google is there to fill in the blanks for me. I also realize I may be running the risk of drawing some heat but discussing these songs in such a negative light since they're not my style or my taste. Good! I say bring it on! Let's get this started so I can eventually finish.
"Sexy Bitch" by David Guetta
The problem with this song, the singer fails to accomplish the task they set forth in the lyrics. The lyric that sticks out is "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful". OK, I think, interesting take since this is a very "hooking up at the club"-type sounding song to me. What've you got? "The way that booty movin', I can't take no more". ...Well, so much for not sounding disrespectful. Now, maybe I'm going about this all wrong since I'm a guy. So perhaps any women out there can help me out here. If a random guy came up to you, no matter what circumstance, and said, "The way your booty's movin', I can't take no more", would that flatter you? Would that come off as not being disrespectful? Perhaps it's better than, "You look attractive enough for a one night stand. Shall we?", but that still doesn't make it the right tactic.
And secondly, I don't think "Damn you's a sexy bitch" is going to endear you to any ladies either. But once again, this may just be me. Moving on.
"What Do You Want From Me" by Adam Lambert
What do I want from you? I want you to stop invading my earholes several times a day, that's what I want from you!
"I Gotta Feeling", "Imma Be" and "Boom Boom Pow" by The Black Eyed Peas
...I hate the Black Eyed Peas when they're together. I hate when they're doing solo projects. And I hate the absolute destruction of the English language that occurs when they produce sound. NEXT!
Oh my God, where to start?
GIMICK$ Wrestling Tees can do that and look cool because they are a cool organization and those who associate with them are cool as well. You? Well, I somehow get the feeling that it's to symbolize the "ka-ching!" the record label heard when they got ready to present you to lowest common denominator America. "It's different! People will go nuts for someone using a symbol in their name!" And thus far people have bought it hook, link and sinker. It makes my head hurt.
And as much as I want to stop here, I've got to talk about her songs.
First off, "Tik Tok". Were you frightened by the letter "C" as a child? I know Linkara jokes that "Poor literacy is kewl", but we all know this is not the case. If you want to be taken seriously by people, spell correctly! Now onto the lyrics:
"Wake up in the morning feelin' like P. Diddy" What, depressed that you're nowhere near as popular or "relevant" as you were a decade ago? Newsflash, I don't think you're relevant and that's the only opinion that really matters in this write-up.
"Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack... Ain't got a care in the world, but got plenty of beer... " Translation: Yay, I'm an alcoholic!
"Boys tryin' to touch my junk..." OK, it sounds to me like you're saying you have a penis. I'm sure there are plenty of other euphemistic meanings for "junk", but the one that springs to my mind is it being a slang term for male genitalia. Ke$ha is a trannie, you heard it here first.
"According To You" by Orianthi
Who are you anyway? I'm really not sure who you are, but I know I hate your song.
Long story short, girl is in relationship with guy who doesn't appreciate her. Sings about how there's some guy who appreciates her. Nothing comes of it because the songs ends with her repeating the lyrics "According to you, I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right". Really empowering message there; Settle for what you have even if it's horrible and making a change is in your best interest. Ugh, please make it go away.
Please, do us all a favor and fade away from the public eye. You suck as a country singer, you suck as a pop singer, you such in general. And I don't want anyone to think that just because I hate Taylor Swift that I was in Kanye West's side for interrupting her at last year's MTV Video Music Awards. For one thing, I've never liked Kanye West either. He's always struck me as an egotistical douchebag. And for another thing, it was the MTV Video Music Awards. When's the last time those awards meant anything? Now if Kanye West were to go and interrupt someone's acceptance speech at the Tony Awards, a ceremony that actually has meaning, then we would have real reason to complain.
Honestly, for the most part, I don't have a problem with Lady Gaga. Former CHIKARA wrestler Hydra used "Poker Face" as entrance music for the better part of last year and I think "Paparazzi" is a really well-written and well-sung song.
But "Telephone"... I am sick to death of hearing this song! And there's one like that Beyonce sings that sticks out to me as odd.
"Sometimes I feel like I live in Grand Central Station".
What does that even mean? Is it because there's someone running a train on you all the time?
(That's horrible, why would you say that?)
Because it's funny, that's why!
OK, I'm done now. But believe me, this is not all. There are several more songs and artists that have played on my last nerve recently. But I really don't feel like discussing them right now because frankly, I'd rather end the night in a positive state of mind. That said, I offer this link as a much better alternative to all the songs and artists mentioned in this blog - The Official They Might Be Giants wiki page Check it out and then reward yourself by heading to Amazon or iTunes and buying some quality music by the twin quasars of rock, They Might Be Giants!