MST Monday - "Santa Claus"

After a roughly six-month long hiatus, I'm finally back! And what better way to return then by covering Episode 521, Santa Claus. Y'know, since it's the middle of January. And Christmas was several weeks ago. And the weather here is currently in the 50s. Um.... but it's also the first Mike episode I've covered here. So, yeah, there's that.

All right, enough stalling. We've got Blog Post Sign!

Host Segment #1

Everyone on the Satellite of Love is dressed warmly to go caroling! As Mike conducts the Bots, he accidentally knocks an open thermos of hot chocolate onto Crow. Chaos ensues and everyone ends up in a big heap on the floor. Magic Voice sends us to commercial and expresses doubt as to whether or not they'll be back.

Host Segment #2

Note: Shortly after Mike became the host of the show, the Invention Exchange segments were phased out in favor of an additional Host Segment before the movie began. This is one of those instances.

Back from break, Mike is administering salve to Crow. Tom Servo suggests they make it a holiday tradition for Mike to break his dome and give Crow extensive third degree burns. Crow says it's not a big deal and figures he should be fully healed by Labor Day. Before any more bickering can occur, the Mads are calling.

In Deep 13 TV's Frank has shaved his head and gotten Dr. Forrester a watch fob for Christmas. Let the record show that these two choices were not connected to one another, Frank's kinda strange like that. Dr Forrester had forgotten that it was Christmas and hastily finds a present for Frank, a $25 savings bond. Forrester signs it over to Frank and tells him to keep it in a safe place since it matures in 2023.

Back up to the Satellite, it's time for the gift exchange! Mike's gift to Crow is a Steve Alaimo album. Crow's gift to Tom Servo is The 1991 Drug & IV Handbook. Gypsy's gift to Mike is a personalized sweater that says "Joike". Gypsy admits she started knitting it for "the other guy", but it's the thought that counts. And finally Tom Servo's gift to Gypsy is underwear in a large plastic candy cane. Awkward.

Back to Deep 13, Frank is seething over the savings bond and the fact he shaved his head. Dr. Forrester tells Mike & the Bots that their movie is a documentary about the Crimean War and Frank snaps and says it's a stupid Mexican kids movie. Crow tells Tom Servo he also got him a driedle, which is very large, and we have Movie Sign!

Movie Segment #1

The opening credits roll and Tom Servo gives us this disturbing image, "Joe Don Baker is Santa Claus!" Mike asks if Danny Elfman did the music for this movie. Sorry, Mike, but that pun was awful.

A narrator tells us that Santa Claus lives in a crystal palace high up in the sky above the North Pole. We see Santa setting up a nativity scene and he starts to laugh in a manner that is not so much jolly as it is menacing. He excuses himself and heads to a pipe organ which leads us to Santa's Toyland. The narrator describes it as  an "international toy factory where boys and girls of all races and creeds come together to help Santa". And then the worldwide feelings of pain begin.

We are first introduced to a group of kids from Africa, dressed like stereotypical natives. Mike & the Bots do not approve, Crow even boos at the screen. Mike says the kids from Spain look like their on the verge of a nervous breakdown. One of the Spanish children appears to be churning butter. A group of children from China sing a song and Crows wonders when the movie will move on to a country with some rhythm. Children from England are heard singing "London Bridge", but we never see them on screen. The narrator says that Japan helps Santa and Mike finishes the thought by saying they invested in his toy making operation and now own him completely. Next we move on to a group of children from "the Orient" who are wearing Middle-Eastern clothes and one girl is doing what could generously described as a belly dance. There's a Russian delegation who are "under surveillance by the CIA" and a group from France who, according to Tom Servo, "stink to high heaven" and spend most of their day yelling "Retreat!" German kids are riffed over with references to Hogan's Heroes and Tom Servo brings up the possibility of them invading the North Pole. Kids from Italy are next and Tom Servo uses a stereotypical mobster impression implying that the kids are there to "whack Santa for muscling in on the Easter Bunny's turf." Mike tells Servo he's offended everyone now. The Caribbean is the next country to be featured and there are marijuana jokes a-plenty. Well, as many as you could get away with on a basic cable comedy show in the early 90's. South & Central America are next, and I'm praying that this parade of nations is almost over. The U.S.A. is introduced and Crow says the children from there "are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa" in hopes that this will make up for any previous racism. America is represented by two kids dressed as cowboys singing "Mary Had A Little Lamb", rather badly I might add. Finally, we are introduced to Mexico who are singing "Rowdy" Roddy Piper's interpretation of the Mexican national anthem, "La Cucaracha".

And thankfully, this leads us to an ad break!

Movie Segment #2

Two of the children approach Santa with a devil on a stick. Santa doesn't recall anyone ordering something like this and asks how it works. Apparently it's a firework of some kind so Santa lights it and the devil starts to spin around. This transitions us into Hell where we see many devils dancing around. Mike observes that Hell must've gotten an NEA grant. A voice that identifies itself as Lucifer orders all the devils to leave, except for Pitch who is chief of the demons. Lucifer tells Pitch it is almost time for him to go up to Earth and make all the children of the world do evil deeds. But this time he must not allow himself to be defeated by Santa Claus otherwise he will be tortured by being force-fed ice cream. Oh, horrors! Pitch teleports to Earth to begin his evil quest and we see a newspaper with the headline "Spirit of Christmas Invades the Earth" begin to burn. SYMBOLISM!!! /FilmBrain

We suddenly cut to a robotic Santa in a department store window, laughing merrily. Crow very aptly dubs it "good old fashioned nightmare fuel." Amongst the crowd gathered at the window we are very briefly introduced to a boy whose father is very rich. And just as quickly we are introduced to a mother who is very poor and her daughter, the "aggressively cute" Lupita. The narrator tells us Lupita's dream is "to own a doll, any doll."

3 boys push to the front of the crowd to look in the window and Pitch decides they'd be perfect accomplices to his plan to destroy Christmas. He summons up rocks and the boys throw them through the display window. One of the rocks hits the robotic Santa in the head which someone causes the real Santa to be hit by a flying rock as well. Santa says he wishes he could down to Earth now to take care of Pitch, but he's unable to since it's not Christmas Eve yet.

Santa and some of his child helpers head to his observatory in an effort to do some surveillance on Lupita. Of note is a machine called the "TeleTalker", a horrifying gigantic pair of lips mounted on a wall or a machine or something. I'm not sure, it's a little too creepy to think about. Pedro, one of the helpers, finds Lupita in Mexico watching someone put on a puppet show which the Bots describe as "the puppet version on 'My Dinner With Andre'."

Host Segment #3

Mike and the Bots take the stage as Santa Klaws and perform the chart-topper "Whispering Christmas Warrior". The Mads rock out in Deep 13.

Movie Segment #3

Lupita finishes watching the puppet show and continues to walk around with her mother. She spots a doll at an outdoor shop and contemplates stealing it while the narrator tries to protest. Pitch teleports in and tries to convince Lupita to take the doll, but her conscience - or maybe the overbearing voice of the narrator - prevails and she puts the doll back. Santa rejoices.

Next, they decide to look in on the rich boy we briefly saw at the store window. He's asleep so Santa uses some more of his weird equipment to watch the boy's dream. He dreams of finding two large packages and upon opening them he finds what a child loves best, "A Maitre d'" to quote Crow as a tuxedo-clad gentleman steps out of the box. Actually, it's the kid's parents and Santa draws the conclusion that the boy's wish is that he gets to spend time with his parents since a dream is a wish that heart makes. And somewhere, the ears of Disney lawyer perk up.

One of Santa's helpers wonders what Lupita would wish for and Santa decides to see if she's asleep so they can invade her dream as well. We see Lupita in bed as her parents watch her, blissfully unaware as Pitch teleports in and breathes on the sleeping girl. Santa is pissed and decides to look at Lupita's dream, anticipating havoc from that red rapscallion as a result of his meddling.

We enter the dream and Lupita is standing in a foggy room with a group of large boxes behind her. She sings about a doll as Tom Servo observes, "She sure has a way with a ballad." which brings us to the next ad break.

Movie Segment #4

Back from commercial and some scary-ass giant dolls are tormenting Lupita in her dream. They tell her she must learn to steal, that dolls don't like good little girls and that she must become evil in order to get what she wants. Lupita argues that she doesn't want to be evil and refuses to listen to them. Tom Servo tries to interject some philosophy into the discussion but can't get a word in edgewise. Pitch departs and Lupita wakes up, likely psychologically scarred for years to come.

They next decide to look in on the three boys who broke the window earlier in the film. Apparently they plan on continuing their evil ways and discuss future plans, completely unaware of Santa's surveillance setup. One of them says he doubts Santa could ever see or hear what they are doing since he's too old. This upsets Santa, how dare they call him old? The devil is much older than he is! This is just the characterization of Santa I want to see; a vain bastard who's got so much surveillance equipment that characters from George Orwell's 1984 would tell him to back it down a bit. Santa tells the three boys that he can hear and see them just fine and they make a run for it from their bedroom.

Now we're in the house of the rich boy. He's writing a letter to Santa saying his only wish is that his parents stay with him on Christmas Eve because he doesn't like being alone. Score 1 point for Santa on his earlier guess about that kids wish. We're then treated to a montage of children writing letters to Santa Claus and mailing them out. The post office receives this deluge of correspondence and pours it out of the chimney so that it flies up to Santa's palace. He reads through a few of the letters and forwards one to the stork since a child asked for a little brother for Christmas. Y'know, 'cause that's the way it works.

Santa pops down to the workshop to tell everyone it's almost time for him to journey to Earth so everyone has to work hard in order to make sure they're ready for the big day. Mike gives voice to one of the workers, "Santa's pep talks really don't pay the bills. How about a pay hike?" And on that uplifting note, we go to commercial.

Host Segment #4

Mike and the Bots are on the bridge of the Satellite of Love and Mike is blindfolded for some reason. The Bots reveal that this is their Christmas present to him, a Nelson family reunion! Only, these Nelsons on the Hexfield Viewscreen are some of the several thousand on Earth not related to Mike. Plus they live in Green Bay where Mike isn't even from. After an awkward minute, Mike apologizes for the confusion and cuts the transmission. Mike says his family are sorta like those people, but not quite as emotional. Movie Sign goes off once again and it's back to the theatre.


Movie Segment #5

Santa is making preparations for his journey. Pedro reminds him that he must return to the crystal palace before sunrise otherwise the reindeer will turn to dust. I don't quite remember that being part of the Santa Claus mythos I grew up with. The children helpers enter singing a song and help Santa to pack the presents. Crow: "Every year we have to sing a fruity send-off song. No wonder the elves quit!"

Santa's sleigh is apparently a giant wind-up toy which he must get started by turning a key. The creepy mechanical reindeer come to life and move very robotically in a way that Tom Servo accurately calls "not charming, but creepy."  Santa laughs and one of the reindeer decides to join in. Mike and the Bots laugh also, but it's more out of fear and confusion. Santa takes off and it's time to deliver.

The three evil boys are seen on Earth planning to kidnap Santa, steal all the toys he was going to deliver and make him their slave. Honestly, I don't see this panning through for them. They not exactly the brain trust that Lock, Shock and Barrel were. And they were acting under the orders of a lanky skeleton man. But I digress and apologize for mentioning a much better Christmas movie. Now back to what can only be generously called the plot.

Lupita asks her mom about Christmas and Santa Claus. Lupita thinks Santa must not like her because he has never brought her a doll before. Lupita's mom then goes on to explain the true meaning of Christmas which is remembering that Christ - or "Craig", as Crow hears it - was born that day and was much poorer than them since he was born in a manger. Lupita says she's asked Santa for two dolls and that if she gets two, she'll give one to the baby Jesus.

Santa's first stop on his journey is Mexico City. Pitch is on Earth and sets about making things difficult for Santa. He moves aside a chimney so Santa won't be able to enter a house properly. Undaunted, Santa pulls out a magic parasol that allows him to discend from the roof and enters the house using a magic key. Two kids wake up but Santa is able to deter them by blowing some Dream Powder under their bedroom door which makes them fall back to sleep.

Cut to Pitch dancing and capering around in a different house, waiting for Santa to show up. Mike and the Bots are made very uncomfortable by Pitch's gymnastics. Mike observes, "He loves pantaloons a lot more than he should." Santa gets ready to come down the chimney, but Pitch summons a fire that stops his entrance. Pitch then decides to head to the front door and blow on the doorknob in order to make it so hot that the magic key won't work. Santa, however, makes his way in through a window behind Pitch and takes a cannon out of his sack to use against the demon. He loads it with a dart of some kind and shoots Pitch in the ass with it. Pitch runs around manically and Santa laughs at his adversary's pain before teleporting out out the house.

Movie Segment #6

Santa comes to the house of the rich boy. He leaves some presents under the tree and says he knows the gifts won't make the boy happen so he'll do something special for him. He uses a special powder to make the boy dream that he is awake so that he can see Santa. Santa reassures the boy that his parents love him even though they're not around that often and that he must believe this fact. He then puts the boy back to sleep and sneaks out of the house.

We see the kid's parents out having dinner together. A waiter comes by with a tray carrying a couple of smoking martini glasses. Crow: Flaming Moes!  The waiter says it's a special cocktail of remembrance that only he can make. The couple drink it up and have a sudden urge to go home and see their son. In case you couldn't figure it out by now, the waiter was Santa. They return home to find their son asleep on the chair in the living room. He wakes up right at that moment and they all share a warm embrace. Aww...

Pitch finds the three bad boys and tries to set another trap for Santa using a trip rope on the roof of their house. The plan fails and the boys go inside to see what Santa left them. Turns out they did something after all, lumps of coal. The boys begin to argue and fight with each other over whose fault it was, much to Pitch's delight.

Host Segment #5

Mike and the Bots sing the politically correct, all-inclusive holiday song "Merry Christmas, If That's OK." While "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas" is easily the funnier and more memorable song, the message behind this song which is summed up in the final lyrics - "[F]or a few days, for crying it out loud, can't we all just get along?" - is a positive and relevant one.

Movie Segment #7

Back from commercial, Pitch is trying to steal Santa's sleigh! But the reindeer don't even react to him so his efforts are in vain. Instead Pitch summons up a pair of scissors and cuts a hole in the bag that holds the Dream Powder so Santa won't be able to make anyone fall asleep. And then, a magical flower that makes Santa disappear tumbles from the sleigh as well. This can't end well for Old Saint Nick.

Santa enters the yard of another house and passes by a guard dog without a care in the world. Pitch appears and sics the dog on Santa who now realizes his Dream Powder and magic flower are no longer is his possession. Santa has no choice but to climb up a dream in order to avoid being mauled. Pitch appears and mocks Santa from a distance saying he's going to wake everybody up now that he's defenseless.

Pitch teleports into the house and tells the sleeping patriarch that there's a prowler outside who has come to kill his wife and children. He then plants a similar idea in the wife's head. The two then wake up and then go through some very unfunny shtick arguing over who should go outside to confront the prowler. Pitch, who I assume has had enough of listening to their bullshit, teleports away.

He reappears in a blond woman's room and picks up her phone and dials the police. He causes her to scream in her sleep about a prowler as well and then makes his exit. Pitch then appears in another bedroom causing Crow to break into song, "Does... the... devil lose his flavor on the bedpost overnight!" Pitch breaths on the man sleeping in this room and picks up the phone. The man sleep screams for the fire department yelling his house is on fire and that he is burning. For good measure, Pitch blows into the phone and a jet of flame comes out the other end at the police station.

Finally, Pitch comes to Lupita's house and berates her while she sleeps saying she was foolish for not stealing that doll when she had the chance and that she'll get nothing from Santa because she's poor. What a dick. Lupita wakes up and expresses her concern to her mother, but mom reassures her that Santa will always visit  the children who are good and obedient.

And now... an ad break so you can find stuff to add to your Christmas list!

Movie Segment #8

Pitch is back taunting Santa who is still up in a tree noting that the reindeer will turn to dust, Santa will starve to death and then Pitch will rule the world. Just as things are beginning to look bleak, Pedro enters Santa's observatory and he's brought someone with him, Merlin! Yes... that Merlin. Apparently the famed wizard also lives up in the clouds and was the one who gave Santa all the enchanted items he used. Santa calls to Merlin for help and after trying to bring logic into the situation, Merlin tells Santa to distract the dog with a toy cat in order to get rid of it. Mike and the Bots begin to question if this is really the same guy who mentored King Arthur.

With the dog dispatched, Santa is able to escape just as the police and fire departments arrive at the house. Upon seeing some smoke, a fire hose is pointing at it and ends up blasting Pitch. How's that for comeuppance?

Merlin tells Santa he needs to come back but Santa says he has one more friend to visit. It's Lupita! And Santa's magic flower just so happened to fall inside of her house. Lupita wakes up and tells her mother that Santa came to her in a dream and said he left a doll for her on the patio. Lo and behold, it was no dream as Lupita walks to the front door and carries in a doll. It's a Christmas miracle! Her mother makes the sign of the cross, "In the name of Santa, Merlin, and the elves, Amen" is the benediction provided by Tom Servo. Santa returns to his crystal palace satisfied with a job well done and I need to lie down after that.

Host Segment #6

Mike's a little bummed about being on the Satellite of Love since there's really no change of season in space and he kind of misses the little touches of winter that you feel around Christmas. Gypsy comes in and points out that it's snowing outside. The crew are so overjoyed they decide to take a snow day!

In Deep 13, Pitch is visiting The Mads. The visit is short lived though as Santa busts in and begins to scuffle with the demon. Dr Forrester takes a moment how lucky they are to witness this momentous fight occurring in their home and Frank declares it's the best Christmas ever!

Stinger

One of the mechanical reindeer laughs its creepy, mechanical laugh.

This was an OK episode. I know it has its fans, but not as many as the other Christmas episode, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians". The movie on its own is pretty strange, and the MST3K crew helped manage to pull a bit more of the weirdness to the surface with their observations. My rating: 3.8 out of 5 stars.

OK, that'll do it for this week. Thanks for your patience and I'm glad you came back to read this! See you next Monday. Push the Publish button, me!